heinäkuu 2021 – My Journey to Kili and Back

Bottom of the wave

It has been interesting to follow your mind and how it works in situations like this. First you convince yourself that nothing’s changed ,everything is just fine because you have to. It’s a way of surviving, it’s a way of managing the situation. The truth is that it’s not fine everything is upside down nothing is the way it used to be and it scares you.

They say that the healing process of sorrow or sudden grief works in waves. First you’re at the bottom then you rise to the top only to reach the bottom of the wave again later. This goes on until the tsunami reaches the shore or the storm comes down. No matter how far from the epicentre you are there is still waves they are just not that high. Meaning in time the lows are not that low anymore and they don’t come that frequently.

That is exactly how I feel right now. I wasn’t really consciously aware of it earlier, but yes I am going through a healing process, healing from a traumatic experience in a way. It wasn’t only the virus it was also the whole experience of climbing Kilimanjaro and the injury caused by it that prevented me from doing what I love for a very very long time (and probably in some sense permanently) meaning exercising and running.

It was a lot of things that caused the tsunami and my bottom of the wave.

Twisting mind

Mind is a funny thing. It twists things around to suit whatever the situation is. If you are in a panic mode all you need to do is survive and that is what you do you survive. Then when things calm down a little bit you get more strength to concentrate on other things than just the survival. And finally you find a way to look at everything from above and evaluate what has happened.

I can honestly say that last year was crap. Full of crap. The whole year was a disaster, the whole year was just bad thing one after another. Forcing you to live on the edge constantly struggling to maintain your freaking sanity.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one thinking this way, that I’m not the only one who has fought and struggled last year. I know my struggles are minor to what other people have experienced so I should not be complaining, but for me it was the hardest year of my life and I’m not lying. Looking back I have no idea how I survived and how I’m even somewhat sane right now.

Healing process

But getting back to the healing process. I have noticed lately that I’m thinking a bit more positively about the future. I have seen my friends, I have seen my colleagues, most of all I’m not constantly afraid, afraid if I will get the virus and how it will affect me. Will I get the bad variation and even if I get the mild variation will it have effects that last the rest of my life?

So I’m happy I have had the first dose of the vaccine, because at least now I feel more at peace, that I have done what I can to prevent the serious version of the virus. I know the battle is not over yet. The virus will stay with us forever, we just need to find a way to live with it. From mental perspective though, the shock and disruption caused by this lives with the people who experienced it forever. It has changed all of our lives undeniably forever in one way or another.

I know there is still a long way to go even for me in the healing process of this, but I think I’m on my way, I think the world is on its way. I think we’re finding some lost joy again off the way things used to be. Simple things, small things, like singing together. Such a simple thing that was denied from us and it almost tore my heart apart.

You need to survive so you just convince yourself I can do this. I can do this no worries super easy, I just won’t sing for a while that’s good, that’s fine. The truth is at some point enough is enough. If it’s a part of you that is really hard to deny from yourself. In the end you stopped thinking about it, stopped missing it and found other ways to replace that void. Now I sing less and less all the time. My vocal chords need some serious training after the holiday season I know! This is just an example of what we have been forced to deny, or cease to do, or have not done because we want to protect everyone else, our loved ones and yes sometimes ourselves too.

Protect everyone

Image from one of my past years roles ”police officer in blue” from a Finnish police series called Roba

I have done all the precautions I can for the past year and a half because I don’t, or past tense I didn’t want anybody’s life to be on my conscience. So I have worn a mask, I have kept my distance, I have worked from home and I have hardly met anyone outside ad/tv/movie productions which I count kind of as work and impossible to do remotely. On the other hand the hygiene has been impeccable in the productions I have worked so huge thanks to everyone the cast and crew for that.

So I hope it has helped. I have to think it has. I have to think that what I have done has made a difference because otherwise all the sacrifices that I’ve have done during this one and a half years would have been for nothing. So when you think should I take the vaccine, just know that there are a lot of people in the world doing everything they can to help you out so you would not get the serious version. The least you can do is help a little back and do the same if you can so we can at some point get back to somewhat normal.

While waiting for that I hope you have managed to keep a bit of holiday this summer and relax. Mine just ended, but I think I need some more 🙂

Clear to say I have not been so into blogging about training since this is my first training post this year. Why, I don’t know. I have been training, but maybe it’s because I have not had any clear goal that I have felt like ”I have nothing to say” which is not true at all! I have found despite of The virus a new hobby that I love, pole-dancing!

And how did I end up doing it? Well I was in a TV series shoot as a statist and one of the lead actresses Minka Kuustonen told me she had practised pole-dancing for three months for this scene and she was such a PRO. I was so inspired by her that I decided I want to give it a try because it also seemed like a good upper-body and core balance training anyway which I desperately needed.

So I joined a class at Pole4fit and have been going there ever since pretty much once a week apart from the restrictions in place every now and then during the spring. You cannot wear your sports watch there either so these will not be logged anywhere which is actually quite relieving! Only you can push yourself and only you know how hard you trained in the end.

I highly recommend the sports to anyone interested regardless of age!

What about running?

Training this summer has been HOT due to the heat!

I bet you are asking… Well thank you for asking, I am running pretty normal. I have noticed that it’s not that important to me anymore. Other hobbies like my modelling, pole-dancing and gym have replaced a lot of the k’s I used to do when running. The good part about this approach is that when I do run, I can go on for a long time or super fast in a short time. So in the end not sure if I am currently actually running the right amount or was I running too much before. Anyway every time I go running it feels enjoyable and super easy which is only about two times a week nowadays.

Very far from 25-35 km a week, but still doing something hey! And every time I try to push it too hard, my IT band injury begins to remind itself so I am concentrating still on getting my legs, core and butt in shape 😀

So I am happy. I am not counting kilometres, I am not counting how many times a week or month, I am just doing it by the feeling and enjoying it. I can already hear your thinking in the background saying about time you took it a bit easier sis and I must agree 😉

The funny thing is I keep increasing my speed although I don’t run as much and in general I find that I have so much more strength to hold my own body which surprises me sometimes. So I will keep this path for now and train ”smart” not ”hard” hoping result will lead to me being able to do some proper swan or superwoman moves with the pole and yes the handstand in the end.

Gym back in the picture too

One of my favourite butt, core crunches. As high as you can go is the aim!

Now that the restrictions have finally eased and I have been going back to the gym also and found completely new kind of motivation for it too. I am determined to increase my muscle mass and legs plus but are the main focus as to increase muscles you need weights. I have again added stair climber to my warm-up plus treadmill. Doing some upper body training also and a core, bootylicious or body pump type of training when it suits the schedule. Now because of summer holidays everything works in a bit different pace.

So with gym same applies ”smart” not ”hard”. I am trying to think that it’s better to do something than nothing and avoiding the ”I cannot walk” days changing them rather to ”I feel I have done something” days. So progress both physically and mentally just not in distance, but strength. So you are definitely already now looking at a stronger me!

Stay safe and take care!

The Virus Diary – Month 18 Healing process