Bottom of the wave
It has been interesting to follow your mind and how it works in situations like this. First you convince yourself that nothing’s changed ,everything is just fine because you have to. It’s a way of surviving, it’s a way of managing the situation. The truth is that it’s not fine everything is upside down nothing is the way it used to be and it scares you.
They say that the healing process of sorrow or sudden grief works in waves. First you’re at the bottom then you rise to the top only to reach the bottom of the wave again later. This goes on until the tsunami reaches the shore or the storm comes down. No matter how far from the epicentre you are there is still waves they are just not that high. Meaning in time the lows are not that low anymore and they don’t come that frequently.
That is exactly how I feel right now. I wasn’t really consciously aware of it earlier, but yes I am going through a healing process, healing from a traumatic experience in a way. It wasn’t only the virus it was also the whole experience of climbing Kilimanjaro and the injury caused by it that prevented me from doing what I love for a very very long time (and probably in some sense permanently) meaning exercising and running.
It was a lot of things that caused the tsunami and my bottom of the wave.
Mind is a funny thing. It twists things around to suit whatever the situation is. If you are in a panic mode all you need to do is survive and that is what you do you survive. Then when things calm down a little bit you get more strength to concentrate on other things than just the survival. And finally you find a way to look at everything from above and evaluate what has happened.
I can honestly say that last year was crap. Full of crap. The whole year was a disaster, the whole year was just bad thing one after another. Forcing you to live on the edge constantly struggling to maintain your freaking sanity.
I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one thinking this way, that I’m not the only one who has fought and struggled last year. I know my struggles are minor to what other people have experienced so I should not be complaining, but for me it was the hardest year of my life and I’m not lying. Looking back I have no idea how I survived and how I’m even somewhat sane right now.
But getting back to the healing process. I have noticed lately that I’m thinking a bit more positively about the future. I have seen my friends, I have seen my colleagues, most of all I’m not constantly afraid, afraid if I will get the virus and how it will affect me. Will I get the bad variation and even if I get the mild variation will it have effects that last the rest of my life?
So I’m happy I have had the first dose of the vaccine, because at least now I feel more at peace, that I have done what I can to prevent the serious version of the virus. I know the battle is not over yet. The virus will stay with us forever, we just need to find a way to live with it. From mental perspective though, the shock and disruption caused by this lives with the people who experienced it forever. It has changed all of our lives undeniably forever in one way or another.
I know there is still a long way to go even for me in the healing process of this, but I think I’m on my way, I think the world is on its way. I think we’re finding some lost joy again off the way things used to be. Simple things, small things, like singing together. Such a simple thing that was denied from us and it almost tore my heart apart.
You need to survive so you just convince yourself I can do this. I can do this no worries super easy, I just won’t sing for a while that’s good, that’s fine. The truth is at some point enough is enough. If it’s a part of you that is really hard to deny from yourself. In the end you stopped thinking about it, stopped missing it and found other ways to replace that void. Now I sing less and less all the time. My vocal chords need some serious training after the holiday season I know! This is just an example of what we have been forced to deny, or cease to do, or have not done because we want to protect everyone else, our loved ones and yes sometimes ourselves too.
I have done all the precautions I can for the past year and a half because I don’t, or past tense I didn’t want anybody’s life to be on my conscience. So I have worn a mask, I have kept my distance, I have worked from home and I have hardly met anyone outside ad/tv/movie productions which I count kind of as work and impossible to do remotely. On the other hand the hygiene has been impeccable in the productions I have worked so huge thanks to everyone the cast and crew for that.
So I hope it has helped. I have to think it has. I have to think that what I have done has made a difference because otherwise all the sacrifices that I’ve have done during this one and a half years would have been for nothing. So when you think should I take the vaccine, just know that there are a lot of people in the world doing everything they can to help you out so you would not get the serious version. The least you can do is help a little back and do the same if you can so we can at some point get back to somewhat normal.
While waiting for that I hope you have managed to keep a bit of holiday this summer and relax. Mine just ended, but I think I need some more 🙂